Recognizing the Abuser’s Three Core Needs: Ego, Narcissism, and Control

1. Feeding the Ego: They Need to Feel Superior

Abusers have an insatiable need to feel superior to others, especially their partner. This superiority often feeds their fragile ego, which depends on constant validation and reinforcement.

Signs Their Ego is in Play

• Criticism disguised as concern: Abusers often belittle their partner's intelligence, appearance, or abilities. “I just want the best for you” may accompany harsh comments, but the goal is to make you feel inadequate.
• Undermining accomplishments: If you achieve something, they will downplay it or claim credit. This keeps them on top and you beneath them.
• Competing for attention: When the focus shifts away from them (e.g., during your success or special moments), they will find ways to sabotage or shift the narrative to centre themselves.

Recognising this pattern helps you see that these behaviours are not reflections of your worth, but are strategies to feed the abuser’s ego by making you feel smaller.

2. Feeding Their Narcissism: They Need to Be Admired

Narcissistic tendencies in abusive partners drive them to seek admiration and validation at all costs. This need creates a dynamic where you become a source of constant praise, often at the expense of your own well-being.

Signs Their Narcissism is in Play

• Love-bombing early in the relationship: They flood you with compliments, gifts, and attention to ensure you admire them. This phase is often short-lived, but it hooks you emotionally.
• Shifting blame to protect their image: When confronted, they will never take responsibility. They will twist the narrative to make you the villain, protecting their flawless self-image.
• Emotional withdrawal if not praised: If you fail to admire them or call them out, they may punish you with emotional coldness or stonewalling until you return to playing the admirer’s role.

Understanding this need for admiration allows you to see that the constant ups and downs are not your fault—you are simply stuck in their cycle of validation-seeking.

3. Feeding the Need for Control: They Must Hold Power

Control is the backbone of abusive relationships. An abuser’s need to maintain dominance means they will manipulate, intimidate, or coerce their partner to ensure they remain in control. Without control, they feel threatened, which often leads to escalation in abusive behaviours.

Signs Their Need for Control is in Play

• Monitoring and isolation: They may demand access to your phone, social media, and personal information, or discourage relationships with friends and family to cut off your support network.
• Gaslighting: They manipulate situations to make you doubt your perceptions and memories. Phrases like, “You’re overreacting” or “That never happened” are used to keep you off balance and under their influence.
• Financial control: They might control your access to money, making you financially dependent and limiting your ability to leave the relationship.

Recognising the need for control as a driving force can help you realise that love isn’t about possession—it’s about freedom and mutual respect.

How These Three Needs Work Together to Create Abuse

Ego, narcissism, and control don’t operate in isolation—they often overlap, reinforcing one another. For example, an abuser might criticise you (ego) when you don’t praise them enough (narcissism) and then use manipulation or threats (control) to force you back into submission. This cycle keeps you trapped, doubting yourself, and questioning whether you are the problem.

Recognising these patterns can offer a sense of clarity. Abuse can often feel like walking through a fog—things seem wrong, but it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what is happening. Once you understand that the person’s behaviours are designed to feed their ego, narcissism, and need for control, you will start to see the relationship for what it is: toxic and abusive.

Clarity as the First Step to Freedom

Once you can break down the actions of your partner through these three needs, it becomes easier to stop blaming yourself. Abuse is not about love—it is about meeting the abuser’s selfish desires. Realising this truth is the first step toward freedom.

If you see these patterns in your relationship, know that you are not alone, and it is not your fault. Support is available, whether from trusted friends, family, or professional services. Recognising the abuse is the beginning of reclaiming your life.

You deserve relationships based on mutual respect, love, and freedom—not control, manipulation, and fear.

Taking the first step can feel overwhelming, but clarity is a powerful tool. You are not defined by the relationship you are leaving—you are defined by the life you create moving forward.

Journal Prompts

Here are five journal prompts designed to help you reflect on the patterns of abuse related to feeding ego, narcissism, and control. These prompts can offer clarity and empower you to see the dynamics more clearly:

1. Identifying Patterns of Ego-Feeding

• Describe a situation where your partner criticised or belittled you. How did their words or actions make you feel about yourself? In hindsight, do you think their behaviour was about building themselves up by making you feel smaller?
  Reflection Tip: Pay attention to whether the criticism was about improving you or about making them feel superior.

2. Recognising Narcissistic Manipulation

• Think of a time when your partner showered you with love, gifts, or praise (love-bombing). How did this make you feel at the time? Did their behaviour change later? How did it feel when their attention or affection was withdrawn?
  Reflection Tip: Notice whether they use love as a tool to gain admiration and control. How does this cycle of highs and lows affect you emotionally?

3. Exploring Control Dynamics

• Write about a situation where your partner tried to control your choices (who you talk to, where you go, or how you spend money). What tactics did they use? How did you respond at the time?
  Reflection Tip: Consider if their control is framed as "caring" or "for your own good" but leaves you feeling trapped.

4. Noticing Blame-Shifting and Gaslighting

• Recall a moment when you confronted your partner about their behaviour. How did they respond? Did they shift the blame, deny your experience, or make you question yourself?
  Reflection Tip: Pay attention to how often you find yourself doubting your memory or feeling like you are the one at fault, even when you know their actions hurt you.

5. Assessing the Impact on Your Sense of Self

• How have your partner’s words or actions affected your confidence, self-worth, and independence over time? Do you notice patterns where their need for control, admiration, or superiority takes priority over your well-being?
  Reflection Tip: Reflect on whether the relationship allows you to be your authentic self—or whether you feel like you are shrinking to fit their needs.

These prompts are designed to help you connect the dots between their actions and the deeper needs driving them. As you reflect, try not to judge yourself—awareness is a powerful first step toward reclaiming your freedom and sense of self.